Expansionist Plans and Water

We are informed today by Phil's View that Turkey is planning to build a water pipe from southern Turkey to northern Stravaraland. This, we are informed, is a well-crafted plan within the Great Idea of expanding Turkey and eventually annexing Northern Stravaraland (the water pipe will end up in Morfou, according to Phil, another step in the plan to invest in Morfou and thereby not give it back in the eventual compromise). In the past Turkey has tried to extend her influence through the water problem with water ballons, but they miserably failed and all that water was wasted in the Med. Now they want to build a water pipe and, exploiting the island's dire water situation, they plan to extend their control over the whole island. But, concludes this inspired view of the leading newspaper of Stravaraland, despite this expansionist plan, this issue could be something to be discussed in one of the technical committees that will be set up in the spirit of the 8th of July agreement.

Mashallah for a View!

Disco Inferno

It's time to take a break from TV news. During a discussion regarding traffic offences a viewer called in to ask whether anything was to be done about a number of stray horses he almost ran into. The caller was from Paphos.

We had forest fires in Akamas. Little ones. Everyone was quick to point a finger at the residents of Inia. In their defence the good people of the wrongly accused village staged a protest in Paphos. One of the young lads at the protest mentioned soething about burning politicians in the forest and threatened the outbreak of World War 4. Another young man was wearing a large straw hat.

What happened to WWIII, you may well ask. Well, the people of Inia were oobviously aware of a certain pecking order when it comes to people threatening an outbreak of war. The ongoing buffoonery regarding the medieval regime of shopping hours and the question of who can sell what has recently made the owners of frutariums hopping mad. A spokesman for the greengoceries trhreatened the outbreak of World War 3.

No threat was made against Germany. A recent parliamentary move in that country to do something about the pseudo-north's pseudo-isolation was appplauded by Georges des Lilliques et d'Outres Meres who pointed out that the decision also mentioned a gradual withdrawal of Turkish troops from Stravaraland. According to The Cyprus Nyooz Agency, even TeePee thought it was a pretty OK:

Cyprus President Tassos Papadopoulos said here Friday it was important that a Bundestag resolution, calling for the lifting of the so-called isolation of the Turkish Cypriots, was not binding for the German government.

I wonder if the governmnet has confused the Bundestag for the Bundesliga?

"... burn, baby, burn... disco infernooooo...."

Zoppovortos Strikes Again

The latest instalment of the "A Day in Paradise" serires is now available over at Giorgio's place. Enjoy!

Spot the Stalin

Euroexport?

Help me Rhonda, help, help me Rhonda...

Up Yours, Sherlock

A spliff does not constitute death. This is something that should be brought to the attention of such idiots as the Nicolaou man - he who wears white socks and was trained in Bulgaria and subsequently employed by bCyBC.

We recently heard of the drug squad's great triumph of nabbing a man with 20 kilos of grass upon his return from Amsterdam via Athens. The story is as fishy as a portion of frozen squid. The bullshit story goes as follows: A man left Cyprus with no baggage. Upon his return he picked up two pieces of baggage at Larnaca-Hermes airport. The cretin of a drug squad chief had the following to say on the matter, which was reported by the genius of a Mega reporter:

"the man in question left a few days ago with no baggage. He then returned via Athens and picked up two pieces of baggage [which contained 20 kees of badly needed grass] at Larnaca airport. He was spotted by the undercover agent when he obviously started looking nervous. He then picked up 2 pieces of baggage and tried to leave the airport"

So, the policeman was there for at least a few days. He made mental note of everyone leaving without baggage. After a few sleepless days he noticed the same man picking up 2 suitcases which happened to contained 20 Kg of gear. The policeman in question deserves much more than a medal. No one squealed. The police did their job and our children were spared a certain death.

In other, less triumphant police news, we had the case of a woman who had her driving licence suspended. She then went out for a drive and crashed into another car, killing the driver. The police spokesman's quote on stae TV: "seeing as the victim's wife survived, she may well tell thousands of people - if not more - via the media in her country, about what happened to them and people will choose not to come to Cyprus"

Give me a fucking break! Gimme more grass!

Una Fatsa, Una Ratsa...

Stravaralanders of the world,

do not heed your leaders when they tell you you cannot travel to Turkey...

Your Cypriot pounds are most welcome, starting from the 10 pound/10 euro fee depending on the change at the visa counter at the airport, to the Turkish salesman who speaks Greek to you and tells you that his father was from Salonika and his mother was from Serres, with him establishing the infamous Serez Souvenirs...

But dont forget to bargain, whether at the souvenir shop or when pre-ordering your tsipoura or barboun at the restaurant. Have your kelle right and your basksish ready and you will be most welcome... Try the myriad different ways of making kiofte, and smell the spices that have survived to our very own Stravaraland.

Stravaralanders of the world,

See the light and realize that peace is sweeter than hatred, hatred coming from the brainless and criminal brainwashing we have all been subjected to en masse...

We do not go for appeasement of the neighboring giant, but we dont go for the brainless stalemate policy of TeePee Da Man...

From Izmir, once known as Smyrni,

For Stravara Mas

One Apodimos Stravaralander

Fishy Refugee

A refugee from Yerolakkos who currently lives in Britain got on to CyBC to tell them of a bizarre series of events regarding a matter of potential compensation for property he lost on 1974. He was shocked when he was told (by an equally hapless operative of the High Commission of the Perfidious Albion) to take the matter to a compensation committee in the pseudo-north.

And the anonymous refugee said that the man at the British High Commission in Nicosia told him to apply to the "President of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus". The hapless refugee was in shock. He responded by saying that Britain was not the only member of the European Union (don't ask).

CyBC rightly made a stink of the unsavoury matter, while keeping the heroic refugee's identity anonymous. How it could stay that way after they revealed details of the phone conversation and the e-mail correspondence is beyond me. The Brits can now hunt down the refugee in question and play him like a dog. Someone out there, anyone way out there, do something!

I'm still curious as to why a refugee, now living in Britain, would call the British High Commission in Nicosia and ask about compensation, though. Oh, and let's not forget he was advised to keep his application for compensation to the pseudo-north quiet, lest he be labeled a traitor.

Ela Koulia ... eshei kamian koursa ... eimai dame stes diskothikes...

A Day at the [Ministry]

My Way or the Highway

CyBC had an exclusive interview with Tommy 2.0. It was conducted by an excitable, Bulgarian trained, operative of the State Broadcaster. The Head of the God franchise in Cyprus spoke of almost speaking with Angela Merkel while in Brussels (The German chick, it seems was way too busy to stop and chat and had to get back home double quick time), fixing up mosques and trying to get a few churches fixed in the pseudo-north as well as the matter of his franchise being allergic to politics.

The CyBC operative, whose nose was obviously in need of a fresh coat of brown eventually came round to that question of politics and whether the church would have a say in the Mother of All Problems: The Cyprus Issue. And Tommy 2.0 came up with a gem of a quote:

"The church wants a single- monolithic, I would say - position on the national issue. The opposition can disagree on soooo many other domestic issues - after all, in case of a mistake, these can always be fixed whereas any mistake made on the national issue would be irreversible".

The High Priest did not tell us which, in his opinion, was the correct position on the Cyprus Issue.

Moving in Mystrerious Ways

Dear God,

Tuesday was a pretty hectic day here in Stravaraland. The children all gathered at the presidential palace to have a chat with Da Man. It's all very important, Lord, because if Da Man decides to stand for re-election he'll need the backing of the other children who already play government with him. Jimmy the Sheftali, a socialist wearing glasses and a non-socialist also wearing glasses all had their cars washed and waxed and drove over for a chat and a bite to eat.

But, O Ruler of The Universe, your friend Perdikis was not invited and he decided to tell the press that he didn't take this as a snub and that he didn't give two farts as to what sort of problems the other children needed to work out up at the palace. No, Mr. Almighty, I don't know why he needed to tell the press - all I know is that he while babbling on he happened to mention You.

Now, I don't want to act like a lowly snitch and I realise that You happen to be omnipresent by nature. I am, however, curious as to what made You may have said to Perdikis regarding the presidential elections. I hope You didn't have Your heart set on him becoming the next president of Stravaraland. If You did and if You do ask him to stand You may well be disappointed.

And The Winner is...

Proof positive that our new man at the Ministry of Defence does smile. Of course his ministerial appointment may also mean that we will misss out on what the director of the Press and Information Office, Yiannakis Solomou, described as the former Government spokesman's "excellent sense of humour". The man not smiling in this picture is the new Government Spokesman, Vassilis Palmas.

We are, therefore, all winners in Stravaraland, now that our friend Chris Pash will head the Ministry of Defence. We wish Mr. Palmas the best of luck in his new post and hope he will continue to uphold the tradition of excellent government spokesman humour.

Lose Something, Gain Something

"...there's a new [bishop] in town..."


"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..."

Racism?

Europa: Our gift to Europe!

As our president pointed out on the Day of Europe, we were the first people to be in Europe since Europa, the pretty woman raped by Zeus, came from Cyprus….

I am still recovering from this statement as it does not seem to have been meant as a joke. Maybe it was, and I am not getting it…

Moreover, the statement seems to be ill-informed as Europa seems to have come from the sister-island of Crete…. If you believe in mythology that is...

Long live Da King!

No Fighting, Please

Among the people who seem to be terribly upset about the level of aggro at the Houe of Representatives we have Demetris Syllouris.

To paraphrase the illustrious leader of fearless Europeans in Stravaraland's House of Representatives; "In some parliaments - especially in Asian countries - people beat each other up. Let's hope we, in Cyprus do not stoop to this level. Let's hope that we do not become the first European country to to adopt this Asian mentality".

In the meantime, the new Minister of Defence - who will doubtless oversee our purchase of Asian weaponry - is none other than our good friend Chris Pash. We congratulate him wholeheartedly on his appointment.

Chris Pash will be officially crowned at DaMan's palace at 1:30 on Monday during a ceremonious cocktail party, so be there or be square, as Uma would say.

Back to the Drawing Board

I was running around from telephone to telephone to vote for DJ Bobo last night while the dog kept sending SMS appeals for even more votes for Switzerland.

And throughout my frenzied voting marathon I thought the French would help us, thanks to Georges des Lilliques' initiative to have Stravaraland join the Francophone block. Blockheads, more like it. Where the hell were the frogs? Why were they not on the phone voting for their latest defence partner? Why, Delilah, why??

And our Eurovision semi-final battle in Finland was lost and even my buddy DJ Bobo was left out of the finals. OK, so Evridiki may have seemed a bit aggressive and the windmachine may well have gone berserk. So, maybe her threads looked a bit ike a maternity dress. So bloody what? I for one was very turned on by Evridiki. In a respectful way, of course.

Hey, where were the London Cypriots, where were the Newcastle Cypriots, where were the Norwich Cypriots. Re Apodime, did you at least vote for Evridiki?

And then it started raining. We're talking raindrops as big as a Karpas donkey's testicles.

But besides Evridiki's dress, our sad cloud also has a silver lining in the form of blanket media coverage. Greek TV was wall to wall shock and horror over Stravaraland's brave battle and unfair loss.

No one mentioned Stravaraland being punished for the outcome of the infamous referendum or the Annan plan. Not yet.

Australia, Barbers, 1974 and Honey

Chris Pash today told the press that the government of Stravaraland may well be forced to find out what Australia's stand may be regarding the mother of all problems.

Archbishop Christodoulos, on the other hand, may well have to make sure that any storming of Kyrenia takes place on a Thursday. That way he gets to avoid the loonies in the pseudo-north and gets to keep his beard.

And Georges de Lilliques managed to blurt out something about 1974 and the Annan Plan all in the same sentence. He is hereby awarded the Koulias Prize for exemplary patriotism.

In the meantime the new Green line regulations will allow for fish and honey to move from pseudo-north to Internationally recognized Stravaraland.

Beauty and the Sheftali

Pseudo-Unis

Much hoopla has been made in Stravaraland these days about the pseudostate's sinister campaign to achieve international recognition through its pseudo-universities and their pseudo-diplomas.

Have you ever tried arguing to a well-meaning European that degrees from universities in the north should not be recognized because it is an illegal state?

They look at you as if you're a child molester. Can't blame them.

What kind of a person would deny a group of individuals access to education because they live in an unrecognized entity? How low have we sunk as a society to think that this is humane?

But forget about humanity. Suppose we do stop their degrees from being recognized. What do we achieve? Won't the Turkish Cypriots merely go to Turkey? Or use their Cyprus passports to study in the UK as European citizens, leaving the pseudo-universities to the mainland Turks?

Is anyone following this? Does this make any sense? Isn't education a responsibility of each community under our current constitution and isn't that a feature of any plan for a solution to the problem? And what kind of a signal are we sending out there, anyway? That we want to keep the Turkish Cypriots poor and uneducated? Do we really think that's going to fly in Brussels, in Helsinki, in Berlin, in Stockholm, in Paris?

Someone please help me.

Ignite-Extinguish

My friend's illegal diplokampino was the weapon of choice. We loaded it up and brought everything to Nicosia. A new life fit into the back of the trusty Nissan. But there was more fun awaiting in the capital.

One of the first innocent victims of my return to Stravaraland was Apodimos Kypreos. He innocently suggested that he buy me a few drinks at Plato's. Either he wasn't counting or he was sidelined by the conversation we were having regarding Akamas - the movie. I was relatively well behaved as his lovely wife elevated our company with her presence. The rivers of Stella flowed and as he was about to leave, Apodimos made that ghastly mistake of picking up the entire tab. This is one of the reasons this blog will shortly feature a PayPal donation button. May the Ancient Gods of Stravaraland (mythical as well as legendary in their own minds) keep Apodimos Kypreos in perpetual good health and spirit.

And off I went to Primetel to get DSL-ed. Being told I'd have to wait 3 weeks did throw me. Yes, that pesky little monopoly which has yet to do anything about the bottleneck when the mama of all Internet backbones leaves the island wants to hang on to everything. Have others bake the cake, eat it and have it.

A few days later came a phone call from a Primetel operative:

"CyTA won't approve the line transfer because there has been a change in the company name"

OK, so what's the problem? Yes, well, Loukaniko Limited was registered in the 'phone book as Loukaniko Sausages Limited. Biiiig problem. Registration number? Same same.

After the runaround I parked myself at CyTA in order to plead my case. The charade was interesting as I did have the paperwork that showed the company had the same registration. A few days later that was all taken care of and Noullis is back on line. Excuse me for referring to myself in the 3rd person but Jimmy the Sheftali and the visiting EOKA B priest have been all over the TV lately.

So, when is the overfed monopoly going to do something about the umbilical Internet cord that connects us to rest of the world? When will we get speeds such as enjoyed in Sofia or Seoul? Should we make a contribution? How does CyTA get away with refusing to carry websites to those who use other providers? Why do they block ports? Why does my friend down the road get no support when he tells the monopoly folks that the wireless router that they supplied does not work?

It's all happening too fast, maybe?

Did I tell you the food aboard Austrian was almost as good as Cyprus Airways? Yep, it was.

Pelicans on a Trolley

Culture shock is not only a misnomer but totally wrong as well. Everything came back to Stravaraland by excessw baggage at a pretty decent rate, thanks to a voluptuous Carribean mama who was handing out excess fines at JFK as if they were koufettoues.

First stop: Vienna. Made a beeline for the cafe right across from the gate. Three double espressos and tons of sparkling water later (and just as I put out the last of my American Spirit Yellows) it was time to catch the Larnaca flight.

"Yes, ten pieces...large ones"., I said to the man pushing trolleys around at Larnaca Airport baggage claim. "Ou, Panayia mou!" was his response and so he decided to give me a helping hand, once he made sure that I understood his specific instructions not to look at the customs officer; "Just keep going and ignore him unless he says something".

The officer, who looked as if he's just eaten a couple of large suitcases and a loud taxi driver for lunch simply gazed as we hurried along oin our invisible cloaks. The trolley technician was happy as Christofias at a syllalitirio - "Yesss, we walked right by him!". A victorious moment and a triumphant return.

Thank you koumpare.