October 23, 2006

Smokescreen Alert

This from Stravaraland's version of Comedy Central - Also Known As The Cyprus News Agency:
The Cypriot government is taking into serious consideration the content of a US report on the issue of missing persons, but is not in a position to verify it, Government Spokesman Christodoulos Pashiardis said.

He added that the government would be requesting the report of the "Defence and Foreign Affairs Strategic Policy" company and would have meetings with the author of the report, in order to determine whether it stood to reason.

OK, boys and girls at the CNA. Let's get a few things straight here. The "company" refered to by Pash is actually a monthly journal published by the International Strategic Studies Association [see link below in our instructions to Pash]. Now, I'm not trying to put pressure on you or anything, but maybe you should check a few facts before embarrassing the nation by proving your journalistic ineptitude. Yes, yes, I know it's not your fault; if Pashiardis said it, I suppose you have to print it.

Hang on, I'll tell him myself, then...

..."Reeee Pashiardi, ela da... I'm going to tell you what to do":
1. Get TeePee's credit card while he's taking a nap.
2. Go to this site and click where it says order form for ISSA products.
3. Choose carefully. If you order the Defense & Foreign Affiars Handbook, for instance it could cost $457 - including postage. Also, don't order any potatoes or tomatoes - you never know where they're from.
4. Return the credit card and wait for the publication to arrive. Wait at the entrance of the Presidential Castle to catch the postman. Make sure no one sees you taking delivery of that package or you won't be able to take well-deserved credit for the next step.
5. Hold a press conference and blow some more smoke up our asses.

6 Comments:

Anonymous ChrisPash said...

Dear Noullis,

I have found your directions very concise and accurate. I have ordered the magazine, it was soooooo easy, I could not believe it! Thanks!

I believe we have an opening for the head of CNA (we are playing a war of attrition with the guy the council wanted to hire, we believe he will give up after the next election). I was wondering if you were affiliated with any political party except EDH. It would help if you were with AKEL because we have trouble finding able men in that party. It would even be more helpful if you were a woman, elections are coming up and we need to branch out to the female vote. The President was recently impressed to find out that women outnumber men 51 to 49 and they tend to be more loyal in their election preferences than men. So, if you can forward your CV we can put it on file for the next round of governmental renewals. Change you see, is the only tradition we like to observe!

My warmest regards and we will send the complementary bottle of STRAKKA olive oil ASAP.

Government Spokesman
Republic of Cyprus

23 October, 2006 23:51  
Blogger Noullis said...

Dear ChrisPash,

Thanks for the job offer. If you could put me on some sort of retainer until such time as the job becomes available I'd relly appreciate it.

The only parties with which I affiliate are the ones that offer Belgian Beer. So, I suppose I'm a Maredsous man with Duvelist tendencies.

One last thing, though: let's keep this whole deal quiet, shall we?

Thanks and regards to Da Man,

Noullis

24 October, 2006 00:07  
Anonymous eleni said...

noullis eisai A P A I K T O S :D

24 October, 2006 08:24  
Blogger Pikifrinos said...

Re noulli men mas sigxizeis re koumpare...bale to link gia to sugkekrimeno report pou 8eloume...pou na girefkei twra o a8rwpos mesto website maskaralikkia...e3allou akouete oti o da man einai light sleeper...an to kopsei na paraggellei etsi prama enna tou kopsei ta po8kia tou...e3allou an eides to Turkey Cyprus katw pou ta special reports den einai active...arage sou eshei sheri o mittsis o da man?

24 October, 2006 17:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you know what makes this really funny? This institute is run by Gregory Copley, who was actually over in Cyprus in the aftermath of the Annan Plan arguing that the satanic agreement was all a set up to get Turkey into the EU. At that time he was the blue-eyed boy of various nationalists and members of the government, with whom he actually had several meetings. Indeed, I had even heard rumours that the government had paid for his visit as they were so pleased to hear of even one western ‘analyst’ who was prepared to back up their version of origins of the A-plan.

By way of background, Copley gained notoriety in the 1990s when he was at the forefront of claims that militant Islam was taking hold in the Balkans and needed to be fought. (In other words, the subtext was that Milosevic was actually the good guy!) Anyway, his institute seems to make a habit of awarding prizes to world leaders who might be more used to the wrong sort of publicity. For example, the president of Republika Srpska was a past recipient of an award. In Cyprus he seemed to wow everyone by his claims of close links with the Turkish military, which seemed pretty implausible to anyone who had ever studied the Turkish military. At that time even US diplomats had only just started to see the Turkish top brass, who had previosuly only met with their military counterparts.

24 October, 2006 18:35  
Blogger Noullis said...

Eleni:
You're making me blush! Always good to hear from you.

@Anonymous:
It's a shame, however, that someone of the callibre of Yossef Bodansky (who still contributes to the ISSA) never took an interest in us. And yes, I agree that anyone in support of Slobo cannot be firing on all cylinders.

@pikifrinos:
Link? E perimene na sou pepsw tziai thn papa8kia na sou sarizei!

24 October, 2006 20:23  

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