Attack of the Killer Onions

Take a careful look at these onions. These are turkish onions. If you see any of them lurking about in a pile at the local frutarium or a mpakaliko, you should immediately inform the authorities. Feel free to call the Photis Photiou - minister in charge of dangerous tomatoes, potatoes and onions - at home, if need be. Yes, to hell with it if it's 3 A.M. and you're drunk as two damp farts under a blanket in a cold forest: call Photis and he'll...hmm, I don't really know what what exactly he intends to do, but I'm sure he'll think of something.

These innocent looking onions may well be just a few of a total of 370 tons of onions that crossed the Green Line during the first 2 weeks of November. You should approach any suspect onions with extreme caution. Walking backwards and pretending to be staring at a young mother carrying groceries would be a good strategy.

If any of the suspect onions try and hide, say behind a red pepper or under some apples, you should throw heavy objects in their suspected general direction while screaming to standers by to immediately call MMAD or the onion police.

People of Stravaraland, screw radiation on British Airways 'planes. Forget the perils our National Guard officers face in taking on Hezbollah. It is time to defend the land against these onions which, according to the minister so nice, they named him twice, "can pose a health hazard to the consumer".