November 26, 2005

Nicosia Tavern offers exclusive delivery service

This just in

Shistris Tavern of Aglanjia has launched a valet delivery service at a special ceremony, held on the sidelines of the Commonwealth Heads of Goverment Meeting in Malta this week.

The service, available to the elite of Europe and the Commonwealth, is bound to raise the ante of an increasingly competitive niche market aimed at the rich and famous.

"Wow, you guys have class, and it shows", commented a local bus driver who requested to renmain anonymous for fear of being considered too common and odd looking to comment on issues of haute delivery.

November 25, 2005

Vending Machines and Jackie Boy

So, the deal is that when in Malta and when looking to score smokes onehas to head for a vending machine. LM 1.60 or thereabouts for a pack of Rothmans.

CHOGM - The Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting. Wow, what a motley crew of either corrupt or slightly insane countries. Jackie Boy, the Minister of Tavern Affairs flew over, bringing with him that CyBC correspondent who wears white socks but whose nose is most definitely brown. Soon to be named TeePee Brown. Hmm, it's all coming together now. Cosmic coincideneces, Beavis, Butthead and the government of the Republikk of Cyprus.

It's nice hanging out in Valetta, checking out the CyBC guy's total ignorance of the finer details of the media biz. "They want us to buy a tape" he was overheard saying by DAVID (no further details will be forthcoming so as to protect the innocent).

"Yes", said DAVID, "the deal is you go and shoot something which everyone shares". This is known as a pool shoot so as to avoid all the crews to turn up to the same places at the same time. Being a true white and brown Cypriot, though, the concept was lost on Johnnie Boy. TeePee TeeVee, Allah Akbar!

Maaaan this gig is weird. But, hey, this Commonwealth scam is worse than identity theft.

November 17, 2005

It ain't how you use it

People have been flocking from all over the European Union to hook up with Stravaraland's jovial Minister of Tavern Affairs, affectionately known as Jackie Boy.

The former waiter's meteoric rise in the heady world of politics has become legendary among european diplomats who flock to the island in the hope that they may learn a thing or two.

Jackie Boy, however, is not about to give away any secrets. The one thing this adorable superhero and avid rock climber does get a kick out of, though, is making his guests feel inadequate by boasting about his pecker

November 15, 2005

Olive Laundering

Olive Oil from the groves of Strakka...that is. Exported to the UK (you know - Perfidious Albion, blah, blah, blah) and available, for the time being, at hundreds of select outlets throughout Britain...I guess as long as it ain't dollars, any currency is welcome by TeePee Da Man...

November 12, 2005

Who da Man??

Dear all,

Let me put things straight from the get go. Let me tell you who da man.

I am the man! At the tender age of 24 I drafted a constitution. And gradually but surely everything went to hell as Stravaraland tried to implement it. Then, I became a minister (no, not as in God, but the contacts helped). Yeah, at 25 I was already ready, alright.

In 1970, a friend, fellow minister and an accomplished serial killer in his own right, was mysteriously 'whacked' (excuuuse me for being a mob movie fan) so I married his widow.

This babe was the child of a multi millionaire who made it in Nigeria (as well as with his maid) but what the hell; she was cute and I was under the influence. Add to this the tons of money she inherited and all was well on the farm.

Now I could make up for my lack of looks or style. I had money, power and a beautiful wife... Now you tell me...who's da man? Ha, ya bums, no more cheap suits for me.

Being a lawyer and a member of parliament to boot, I noticed one fine afternoon that the two major banks of Cyprus were on a buying spree for insurance firms.

The other lads in parliament were trying to pass an anti-trust law and la dee da. Haaa ha ha... I told the lads I needed to study the law and they let me take it home for a month. So, I took care of the bank deals which promptly became monopolies in the insurance business.After the M&A deals were done, I took the law back to parliament.

But this is hardly noteworthy stuff. Who do you think took care of Slobodan Milosevic's billions? Me, me , me, tat's who. Yep, I set up a dozen offshore companies for Slobo and the cash started flowing like wine at a Holy Synod party.

I made a fortune (UN embargo? What embargo?). Then, in 2003 my lifelong dream of becoming president became reality. The sirens, the fancy dress parties and even my favourite waiter from Shistris all joined me on the bandwagon.

A year later though, when I had 4 more years as a president, those EU bastards along with that odious Anan chap decide it was high time to solve the Stravaraland problem. The bastards just wanted to take away Cinderella's brand new BMW and turn him into an attorney again.

But, boy did I mess it up for the vermin! Soon enough they all realized that I am none other than Tassos the kavlantis... I took them all for a ride. I cheated EU commissioners, I named whoever backed the pseudo-solution a traitor, I cried on TV, used every trick in the book and I'll be president till 2008. Put that in your Scotch and Soda and choke on it, losers!

Hey, would you give up the presidency of a country? No way, Mustafa. Other dictators...uhm... presidents, such as that flat headed dude in Syria killed a whole village when they turned on him. Hey, at least I didn't kill anybody...No, never, and I've said as much in public.

So, you tell me... who da man? Jump up and down and say it, dudes... "TeePee da man!!!!"

Yeah, baby, yo' sugardaddy's buying the next drink!

Affectionately yours,

President of the Republix,

A green line running through my head

This here blog is intended to attract irreverent comments and observations emanating from and concerning the island of Stravaraland. From time to time we hope to expose some of the more odious characters currently milling around, unhindered.

The island in question is an imaginary place that sprawls on around an imaginary green line. Geographically located in Yurp and politically confused, this is the future home of some of the most fascinating golf courses to be seen in a long time. Search Hi and Lo and you'll be hard pressed to find a place such as Stravaraland.

From time to time we'll try and recruit additional contributors. For the time being, however, we'll have to rely on the usual suspects.

A word to those who are bound to bellyache about the lack of personal information provided by contributors, including identity card numbers and DNA samples: We have the proverbial radish and you're welcome to it!

We'll see how it goes.