April 27, 2008

The Church Going Atheist

Just like any other proud Stravaralander (Doucheland [sic] Über Alles!) who lives abroad, I try to keep my country's traditions alive with me, usually by devouring massive quantities of souvla which I then proceed to wash down with gallons of Stravaraland produced lager. Xanthippe (my fiance) on the other hand, does her part by dragging me to church on religious Holidays, a triumphant achievement considering that she manages to convince me solely by way of threats of physical violence.

When Xanthippe dragged me to last night's worship (Christ risen by the way) I expected that the experience would be as exhausting as that of the last couple of nights I had attended liturgy, where, faced with extreme boredom, I was forced to entertain myself by fantasizing about playing Super Mario Bros whilst humming the game's tune, scaring the toddlers in front of me to tears with my Barbara Streisand impression, and trying to imagine how a Metallica concert arranged so as to accompany Byzantine liturgical music would sound like (Hammett would own the akathiston imnon) .

To my surprise tonight was very different. Firstly, I discovered that Xanthippe and I have a telepathic connection. This came about when she poked me with her elbow and warned me to stop thinking up sarcastic comments about the priest's appeal for funds, and secondly, that she has a sense of humor--and akin to mine no less! Noticing I was about to doze off she performed an R rated puppet show for me using just our church candles. When she realized that this was not enough, she picked up her candle again and this time she decided to use it against me as a lightsaber. Needless to say, her sissy pink candle-lightsaber was no match for my manly blue candle-lightsaber. So what if the (realistic) sound effects of our lightsabers whooshing through the air annoyed a few people. We had fun.

Indeed, time flies when you are having fun. Anyhoo, Xanthippe unilaterally discontinued our epic battle, with promises of a rematch, when it was finally time for God to pass the holy fire on to the priest.

(I'm not a graphic artist, get off my case)

Apparently the priest had bitter previous experience because he thought it necessary to make the following request prior to retiring to the altar to later reemerge bearing the holy fire:

"Please, when I return with the holy fire, don't push one another, there's enough to go around."

About 6-7 people including myself and Xanthippe burst into laughter. I tried to suppress it by picturing dead kittens. This only made matters worse. I laughed even harder. I don't know what it was that i found so funny about dead kittens but i did, i found it hilarious. Perhaps I should look into it. Perhaps I shouldn't.

Anyway, the priest finally retired to the altar and all the lights in the Church were turned off. I turned to Xanthippe and told her to be prepared because when the lights would come back on again, the priest would be lying on the floor (priests usually lie standing up or sitting down) dead and Sherlock Holmes would forbid us from leaving the Church until he solved the mystery and that she would therefore be the one to blame if I don't pass my exams because she dragged me to church in the first place (i had to try). I didn't want to spoil the ending for her so I didn't tell her that the murder would be committed by the one-legged lesbian chorister who fell in love with the priest's papathkia and wanted to do away with the competition.

After the lights came back on the priest was still alive and it became clear that i am clinically insane and that things didn't turn out as i had predicted moments earlier. Apparently the chorister cowered at the last moment and decided to refrain from setting the plan in motion. She does not deserve the papathkia anyway. One-legged bitch...

After that we went outside, where the church people decided to bomb the shit out of several flocks of seagulls sleeping on rooftops and tree branches by sending a firework to the sky (sorry folks, no lamprajia). The seagulls were visibly frustrated as they flew confused around in circles above our heads. For a moment it looked as though a shit-storm was about to hit by way of retaliation. The alternative would be a one time only live stage performance of Alfred Hitchcock's Birds. Luckily the birds let it go.

After that we decided to make our way home. Os ta xristougenna eshei o theos.


Blogger Λίβελλος said...

That's so familiar:)

28 April, 2008 03:30  
Blogger kyriakos said...

I haven't been to church for so fucking long.. i actually feel better!

29 April, 2008 12:15  

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