Tommy 2.0 Has Yet Another Dream

Dear Stravaralanders,

I did not follow the Moufflon’s advice last nite: I did not eat lite. Right before the Great Fast begins, I had to have some Pafos moufflon for dinner - very hard to digest.

I was turning around all night until I heard The Voice once again:

“Tommy 2.0, familiar is the voice you hear. You recognize the accent. Yes, this is Makarios. I have never died, as thousands Makarioi exist the world over. I am here with you, to guide you in our struggle for fairness, in our struggle to save Orthodoxy from the infidels, to make our land the bastion of the financial services industry and to unite our country under one President and one Orthodox God. Listen very carefully. I am not going to visit you again for a while, this is the third and final dream and you need to pay close attention, as close as the attention you paid while counting those election votes.”

The next morning I felt I had slept for a century. This is the letter Makarios left for me:

1. You will embark on a War for Orthodoxy. You will travel to Africa where I still have good contacts and start baptizing for 33 days
non-stop. From there you will fly to China: when I was around I could not get there to convert them to Orthodoxy because my friend Mao was not so keen on such missions. But now this great nation has opened up to trade and capitalism (or “Chinese socialism” as Jimmy prefers to call it). They have allowed TeePee and Jimmy to make the trip, so I am certain they will allow you to get there. Imagine the potential if they let you start baptizing. We are not talking thousands of little Tommys seeing the light, we are talking millions!

2. While at it, you should venture a trip to Tibet (but don’t mention that it is occupied by China, we only support China vis-à-vis Taiwan, that is a more convenient parallel with the Stravaraland Problem. Look at how deftly Jimmy avoided this comparison…). Try to convert the Tibetans and also try to get some inside information as to who the new Dalai Lama will be, he might be a good ally in the future. You know, the current Dalai talks with all these Hollywood stars, I always wanted someone like Peter O'Toole to play Makarios on the Big Screen. I did not achieve that but there might be a chance for you, don’t waste it! Just imagine: Tommy 2.0, The Great Struggle. Starring Tom Cruise with a nice beard, imagine the propaganda you will generate in writing that script, not to mention the kudos you’ll gain by converting him to orthodoxy…

3. You should strive to make Stravaraland a centre of financial services, these Sheikhs in Dubai seem to have overtaken us - the infidels. You will visit New York and London, we have lots of faithful Orthodox there and you should try to show them your spoils. 25% of Hellenic Bank will be more than enough for you to get their attention. Try to get them on board. Along with the casinos and the golf courses in Pafos we need a new World Trade Center, we don’t have a lot of space but we can go upwards, 200 floors should be enough, we decide on that later when we see how much demand there is. Actually, come to think of it, we should build a World Trade Center in Pafos. Once we build it, they will come!

4. We need to spend some energy training our own people on this financial services business. After NY you should fly to Boston and visit Harvard and MIT. I hear they have good post graduate schools, one is very good in basketball administration and the other one in business administration. Go to the one that is good in business and make a deal to send some of our smarter clergymen there. If they say that our men are not qualified, point out to them that these are Men of God, and that they will eventually bring peace to this war-ravaged island of ours (and offer them a couple of million pounds for each one they accept). I am sure they will see the benefit to world peace and start admitting as many as we want to send. If you still have trouble, talk to that other celebrity from Panayia, George Lillikas. I hear he did something similar a couple of years ago, it worked wonders, so I am sure he can give you expert investment advice.

5. You need to be more steadfast when it comes to history books and lessons for our island. We have been getting these books for free for the last 47 years, it was fine when we wanted enosis but now we want something different. These books have Stravaraland in two colours instead of having one thick dividing line - yukk! Moreover, they talk about a potential solution after the EU but don’t say that the solution should comply to EU specifications. They mention invasion but don’t mention how many missing we have, (how many are there these days anyway?) I trust you can take this up. If you have trouble, I hear Pavlos sent 24% to hell last time around, put him in charge of excommunicating anyone who goes against us. I am sure he will be with us on this one and not with Athanasios.

6. You must delegate a bit more because I am assigning too many tasks to you. I insist that the Secret Schools (similar to the Madrases the infidels have in Pakistan) should get started. We need fighters and we need them to be orthodox. Pavlos is a good candidate for both headmaster and Highest Teacher of the Faith.

7. You should unite Christianity under the Greek Orthodox Church of Cyprus. That will really turn us into a global powerhouse. The House of Tommy of Pafos. Think about it, all our brethren and descendants from Pafos will be set for life. The rest of the Cypriots will be too, because now instead of going to Tinos on the 15th of August, we will have them come to Panayia from all over the world. And as the summer is high season anyway, we will invite them to come on the 19th of January, my name date. Thus, we will also be helping those whiny hoteliers and CA, while also helping our very own business interests.

8. You should begin utilizing Athanasios to bolster the image of the Church among the faithful and non-faithful alike. He is really popular you know. OK, you run the danger of making him more popular but after the reforms you pushed through at the Synod level, you have nothing to fear.

9. You should also begin using Neofytos to branch out to the T/C and start inviting them to come to the Secret Schools. That will be hard work but I am sure that with my divine intervention we will manage to convert them to Christianity and then all our problems will be solved.

10. Start a political party. It is about time. I have a great name for it. “The Party of God”. The leader of the Party will be the Head of the Church, if this person is a former Bishop of Pafos. If not, the Bishop of Pafos will be the leader of the Party. I would not trust such a Party if it fell in the wrong hands (you know, Neofytos and some others like him). With this clause we are safe. Our goal will be to always hold the balance in the Presidential elections, you know, something like you did with the elections for Archbishop. For instance, if TeePee is running against Kassoulides, if TeePee looks like winning from the first round, we support Kassoulides. In the second round, we make a deal with TeePee and support him instead. Maximum impact, maximum unpredictability, maximum benefits.

Within this Party, you should try to recruit some of the most able men of the land. You should go for the current governor of the central bank. He is making the right sort of noises, voted with us in the Patriotic Referendum and looks like he could be a good manager of the Party! He does not fall into any political party directly right now so this might be an opportunity he will not give up. Especially if we flag our 24% stake in Hellenic and how that can be used to appoint him as CEO. One bird with two stones, if you know what I mean.

This may be seen as a tall order for the Glory of the Cypriot Nation under Your Leadership. May God Be With you in the Fight Against the Infidel!